Saint Patrick’s day is not just a time for us all to celebrate how fantastic it is to hail from the Emerald Isle. It’s also an opportunity for you to out-Irish your fellow countrymen and prove that no one loves Ireland as much as you do. Here are some tips on how to become the most patriotic Paddy ever. Follow these and you’ll literally be sweating potatoes.
1. THE CUM
FLAG APPROACH
Grown men
from Ireland
stand to attention, genuflect and perhaps even cry when the triolour appears
but why not go one better? All you have to do is visit a hypnotist and he or
she can easily fix it so that you’ll ejaculate whenever you catch sight of the treasured,
green, white and orange. That way when you’re standing with a group of men
shedding tears over the Irish flag, you can turn to them and say, “I’m shedding
tears too, tears from my penis.” But what about women, will this form of
hypnotherapy work for them too? Don’t know, don’t care. The female orgasm is none
of my business.
2. THE
SHAKE HEAD TUT APPROACH
This is
easily done and requires little effort. Simply shake your head disapprovingly and tut whenever
you see somebody who doesn’t embody the physical characteristics of a typical
Irish person. Many people deem the Shake Head Tut Approach to be a bit racist.
But aren’t they the real racists, these do-gooders who are always speaking out
against racism? I’m not actually sure but at the very least it should be open
to debate.
 |
| The Master Of The Disapproving Face |
NOTE: The
Shake Head Tut Approach should not be undertaken when holidaying abroad
otherwise it’ll just be exhausting.
3. THE
NATIONAL ANTHEM APPROACH
Irish
people have been spoofing their way through the lyrics of the National Anthem
for a hundred years or so. So why not learn all the words, in Irish, English
and maybe even Latin? Then when it’s
match day or when a drunk fuelled night has come to an end, you can demonstrate
your overt Irishness by being able to perfectly enunciate each and every word.
As well as this you can continue your emphatic singing long after everyone else
has finished by showing off the different language versions at your disposal.
Don’t worry, you wont be interrupted as
it’s high treason to stop to someone from singing the National Anthem, a crime
punishable by death or an €80 fine, depending on who the judge is.
4. THE BANISHMENT
OF FOREIGN INFLUENCES APPROACH
In order to
ensure that only green blood courses through your veins, take any foreign books,
films, music or paintings that you own and burn them with fire. If they haven’t
been created by a 100 % authentic Irish person you should rid yourself of their
disruptive influence, for after all, nothing says commitment to an idea or
cause like the burning of beloved works of art.
5. THE
RELIVE IRISH HISTORY APPROACH
Knowing the
history of your nation is an essential facet to loving your country. Therefore if
you take elements of Ireland’s
past and make them relevant to your own life, you’ll be even more Irish than
Celtic football club. For example, instead of spending money on chocolate eggs
every Easter, put it towards funding an armed take over of the G.P.O. or at the
very least your own local post office. Instead of buying nutritious, healthy
potatoes, only purchase ones that have been infected with potato blight. And if
you really want to go all out, dress up in a school uniform and pay a member of
the Catholic clergy to have sex with you.
6. THE EGG APPROACH
Daithi O’Se
Des Bishop
Jim Corr
Jim Corr’s sexy sisters
Jim Corr’s sexy sister’s brother
(ie. Jim Corr again, - egg his house twice)
Ray Foley
Twink (Be very careful
that she doesn’t catch you. She is dangerously insane)
All 4 members of the
band The Coronas.
