Tuesday, 12 March 2013

How To Be The Most Irish Person Ever

Saint Patrick’s day is not just a time for us all to celebrate how fantastic it is to hail from the Emerald Isle. It’s also an opportunity for you to out-Irish your fellow countrymen and prove that no one loves Ireland as much as you do. Here are some tips on how to become the most patriotic Paddy ever. Follow these and you’ll literally be sweating potatoes. 



Grown men from Ireland stand to attention, genuflect and perhaps even cry when the triolour appears but why not go one better? All you have to do is visit a hypnotist and he or she can easily fix it so that you’ll ejaculate whenever you catch sight of the treasured, green, white and orange. That way when you’re standing with a group of men shedding tears over the Irish flag, you can turn to them and say, “I’m shedding tears too, tears from my penis.” But what about women, will this form of hypnotherapy work for them too? Don’t know, don’t care. The female orgasm is none of my business.


This is easily done and requires little effort. Simply shake your head disapprovingly and tut whenever you see somebody who doesn’t embody the physical characteristics of a typical Irish person. Many people deem the Shake Head Tut Approach to be a bit racist. But aren’t they the real racists, these do-gooders who are always speaking out against racism? I’m not actually sure but at the very least it should be open to debate. 

The Master Of The Disapproving Face

NOTE: The Shake Head Tut Approach should not be undertaken when holidaying abroad otherwise it’ll just be exhausting.



Irish people have been spoofing their way through the lyrics of the National Anthem for a hundred years or so. So why not learn all the words, in Irish, English and maybe even Latin? Then when it’s match day or when a drunk fuelled night has come to an end, you can demonstrate your overt Irishness by being able to perfectly enunciate each and every word. As well as this you can continue your emphatic singing long after everyone else has finished by showing off the different language versions at your disposal. Don’t worry,  you wont be interrupted as it’s high treason to stop to someone from singing the National Anthem, a crime punishable by death or an €80 fine, depending on who the judge is.



In order to ensure that only green blood courses through your veins, take any foreign books, films, music or paintings that you own and burn them with fire. If they haven’t been created by a 100 % authentic Irish person you should rid yourself of their disruptive influence, for after all, nothing says commitment to an idea or cause like the burning of beloved works of art.



Knowing the history of your nation is an essential facet to loving your country. Therefore if you take elements of Ireland’s past and make them relevant to your own life, you’ll be even more Irish than Celtic football club. For example, instead of spending money on chocolate eggs every Easter, put it towards funding an armed take over of the G.P.O. or at the very least your own local post office. Instead of buying nutritious, healthy potatoes, only purchase ones that have been infected with potato blight. And if you really want to go all out, dress up in a school uniform and pay a member of the Catholic clergy to have sex with you. 



Finally why not egg the houses of the following Irish celebrities who I don’t like? I haven’t quite figured out how this is going to make you more Irish but would you mind doing it anyway?

Daithi O’Se 
Des Bishop 
Jim Corr 
Jim Corr’s sexy sisters 
Jim Corr’s sexy sister’s brother (ie. Jim Corr again, - egg his house twice) 
Ray Foley 
Twink (Be very careful that she doesn’t catch you. She is dangerously insane) 
All 4 members of the band The Coronas.

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