Wednesday, 29 May 2013

4 Very Short Stories


Two terrorists of the bearded variety, not the Irish type, were sitting around in their pokey, anthrax smelling flat.
“C’mon, let’s hijack something,” said the first terrorist as he recklessly waved a stick of dynamite in the air. 
“When I finish this,” the other one muttered without even looking up from his Sudoku. The terrorist wielding the dynamite peered over the shoulder of his friend. To his horror he discovered that he had put an 8 in a section where there already was one. He pondered whether he should say it to him or not but in the end he decided to leave it be. He’d have to learn the hard way .


“I sentence you to life in prison,” the Judge bellowed. The guilty woman’s children and husband wept uncontrollably while her elderly mother collapsed. The Judge stared at the ground, uncomfortable with the scene unfolding before him. While gazing down at the floor he noticed a ranchero which must have fallen out of the bag that he had eaten with his lunch two days ago. That’s long past the 5 second rule, the Judge thought as he smiled to himself.
He arrived home that night and was greeted by the aroma of his wife Trudy’s beef bourguignon.
“How was work,” Trudy asked as she set the table.
“Fine. I gave her life in prison. Oh and I found a ranchero on the floor beneath my seat.”
“Hope you didn’t eat it. That’s well past the 5 second rule.”
“Shutup Trudy.”


The fire truck roared by, weaving in and out of the way of startled motorists. An attractive blonde who was sat at a bus shelter, held her hands up to her ears in order to mask the deafening cries of the siren. The one called Ed turned to his colleagues and scoffed, “I’d like to show her my big red fire engine.” The truck erupted with laughter. Ladies and gentlemen I give you your so called heroes. 


Lady Gaga awoke bright and early one summer morning, trembling with excitement. Today was the day that her Aunty, Mildred Gaga, was taking her to the funfair and Lady Gaga had been looking forward to it for weeks. She removed her nightie made from shake n vac and quickly threw on a brand new, sparkly dress made out of rejection letters that various adoption agencies had sent to childless couples. After she wolfed down her breakfast she sat daydreaming about all the fun rides she was going to go on. She looked at the clock and to her surprise, realised that her Aunt, who was always punctual, was 15 minutes late. “How very peculiar” Lady Gaga exclaimed. Suddenly her telephone rang and she rushed to answer it, believing that it would be Aunty Mildred apologising for her tardiness and explaining that she’s stuck in a troublesome traffic jam. 
“Hello, is this Lady Gaga?” a solemn, deep voice asked.
“Why yes it is,” Lady Gaga replied.
“Lady Gaga, this is Sergeant Wilson. I’m afraid I have some bad news. Your Aunt Mildred has been killed in a car accident. I’m so very sorry"
Lady Gaga dropped the phone in shock. She ran, sobbing, to her bedroom where in order to console herself she wrote and recorded some terrible music.  

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